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An Open “Cover Letter” to Hobby Lobby

Posted by Ryan Morgan on July 08, 2014 at 3:07 PM

Dear Sirs,

I am writing you today seeking employment at one of your stores. As a long time follower of Christ’s teachings and well-read bible scholar, I am very excited about the new employee benefits. For starters, I know in Genesis 19:8 Lot says, “Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them.” Sounds to me like “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” is going to get a lot more exciting!

Also, I am looking forward to a paid monthly, week-long spa visit during my period. It is JUST what I need. Leviticus 15:19 explains that I am obviously and “ceremoniously” unclean during that time and will not be able to touch anything in the store. I sincerely appreciate the time off in advance.

I am also very excited to work with your HR department on a little matter of some money that is owed to me. According to Deuteronomy 22:28-29:  “If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. [a] He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.” Here’s the thing. I don’t necessarily want to marry the man who raped me when I was 19, but I would like the shekels and some serious back pay on the alimony. You seem to have awesome lawyers that I would love to consult with on this matter.

Finally, I am assuming that my direct boss will be a man. It is a big relief knowing that I will not have to listen to him or do a thing he says in accordance with Psalm 116 verse 11, “And in my dismay I proclaimed, all men are liars.”

When do I start!?

 

Sincerely,

MelissaAnne Cunningham Sereque


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