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Six Reasons to Not Use Condoms

Posted by Jordan Craven on February 02, 2015 at 1:00 PM

i-said-no-3401728105_af2e1d2584.jpg Condoms: a thin rubber sheath worn on a man's penis during sexual intercourse as a contraceptive or as protection against infection. 

Another definition for condoms: a silly little piece of rubber that "prevents pregnancy and prevents STIs" so you "stay healthy and in charge of your body." Gosh, that sounds horrible, right? 

Well, I couldn't agree more. Below are 6 reasons to convince your partner that, YES, condoms are BAD and you should NOT use them. 


condomhead.jpg1) They are the WORST fashion accessory. I mean look at this goofy looking guy to the right. Why on earth would we want to support this kind of fashion trend? Condoms are clearly not designed to be worn on your cranium. This should not be taught in school. We need to fix this. We need to fix this now. 


2) They're super creepy. Like CREEEEPY. Look at the condom below:


Like, no Mr.Condom, you do not need to smile at me with your thumb up. That makes me nervous and I don't like to be nervous. You're designed to apparently "protect" genitals and what-not - HA, as if. Looks like you're more into your modeling career. Mr.Condom, you care more about your appearance than you do about protection. The world deserves the truth. 


1859187_370.jpg3) Condoms are simply SO uncomfortable that they make sex miserable. If I wanted to experience that kind of pain, I'd go lather up in sun tan lotion, roll around in the sand and then run a marathon ... up hill. No one has ever been able to perform while wearing a condom. So, if no one can even have sex while wearing a condom, why on earth would we EVER WEAR ONE??? I mean, c'mon, I don't need "Sex Ed" to teach me that. 


tumblr_mnr4b03MVO1qbxb10o3_r2_250.gif4) They are kind of gross. Think about it. They are slimey. They are stretchy. They are sometimes covered in weird textures. EW. Just, ew. Based on that description alone, you'd think I was describing the least helpful item in existence... oh wait, I am. 

Even Mindy Kaling agrees. 


You know what? I'm so sure of myself, that I bet you don't even need two more reasons. Just like all my super smart friends who agree with me that sex ed, birth control and all that jazz is bad, I don't need to give you any more "evidence" for my opinions because, let's face it, they are Fact. 

It's hard to have this much humility when it comes to something you're passionate about, but someone's gotta do it. 

I will leave you with this last message:


... and tell them that Condoms are bad. Very bad.

Hey folks, if you haven't caught on yet, this blog was merely satire. PLEASE, use a condom. Okay? Thanks. 

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